Life has been pretty hectic lately. Ever since my father has passed away, I feel as though my mother is barely hanging on by a thread. In a way, I have had to assume the role as "mother."

In other news, I got into Pepperdine's Songfest 2009. I should be practicing right now. They gave me SO many songs to work on! It's crazy! I just got back from a walk. It's sooooooo hot. ugh.

http://ups-downs-hair.blogspot.com/


I am determined to figure out how to do hair. As I tomboy growing up, I missed some of the finer points of being a girl...mostly to run around outside, climb trees, play with worms in the mud, and so on. I never even learned how to braid...and only recently did I figure out how to do a high pony tail....sometimes....when my hair cooperates with me. Well no more! I am finished with begging people to do my hair for me! I am a performer who is no doubt going to need her hair done more often, especially when I perform. Therefore, I shall save money in the end by learning to do my own damn hair! You are all my witnesses to this decree! It shall be!

(I posted this on my myspace and facebook yesterday, but I forgot lj....I had other things on my mind.)

My father passed away at around 3 this morning. He was first diagnosed with pancreatic cancer late October, early November when I was in Vienna...so that was Fall, 2007. The doctor actually thought he had a chance, because he was responding so well to treatment. He was even encouraged to come visit me in Vienna. That was when they first told me. I was so shocked. I can't even describe how I was feeling. The idea of my parents' mortality was something that had never actually occurred to me before, and all of a sudden, it came at me from left field. I eventually got used to the idea that my dad had cancer, and life continued as normal...at least for a person with cancer and for a family with a member with a fatal disease. Treatments were a regular thing...dad was up and about, and even able to work out from time to time.

Then some complications developed with my dad's condition. He needed his spleen out because it was doing its job too well, holding onto red blood cells...and he didn't have enough to continue with chemo. So he had his spleen removed, but during that time, he couldn't have chemo. So naturally the cancer got a little worse. The doctor wasn't discouraged though and dad continued the treatment.

For nearly two years, my dad continued chemo and treatment. He had so many surgeries, went to the hospital so many times...I am amazed how long he lasted. Typically people who have pancreatic cancer last six months, at the most. And the doctor said that people who develop as many complications as my dad did from this disease would have thrown the towel in ages ago. Though he didn't say it, I knew he was impressed. I know he only stayed that long because of my mother and me. If it had just been him, he probably would have just said, "Fuck it," and given up. He suffered so much toward the end and was just fading away. Now that he's gone...I feel his presence with me now. I really do. The house has a lighter feel to it. I feel like he's relieved to finally be resting. And the look on his face when he passed was so peaceful and so relaxed and smooth.

It breaks my heart to see my mother so distraught though. We have lots of friends over and from time to time, I can hear my mom laughing with them as we remember the good times with my father...and dad died with so many loved ones around him. It was truly beautiful how many people loved him. I think he could feel that. Toward the end, he couldn't talk at all because the toxins in his liver made his brain not function properly, but he definitely could hear. The hardest thing to do was to tell him to not be afraid to let go...that mom and I would be ok, and that we would take care of each other. We have wonderful, beautiful friends that would help us too.

There was, for a time a feeling I had and I often accused my dad of the fact that no matter what I did, I could never please him. Apparently, when he could still talk, before Susan told us to come home, that he was so worried that I thought he wasn't proud of me, and he wanted me to know that he couldn't be more proud of me. I know now. I told him so, and I told him that I couldn't have had a better father...and that I would miss him terribly. Dad, I wish you the best on your journey...

Thank you all so much for supporting my family and me, and thank you for all the love. I have never felt so loved in my life.

Love, Kate

Wow, the people on Fox News are REALLY stupid. Like REALLY. It's not even funny. Ok, IS really funny, most definitely because of this. So they are "reporting" on these modern-era "tea-parties" to protest "Barack Obama's tax plan," which technically was George Bush's, but don't get me started on that.

The people attending these "tea parties" (which are advertised as "grass-root" even though they are largely funded by Exxon Mobile and Fox News and whatnot, so really, it's "Astro-turf" movement), are referring to themselves as and being called "tea-baggers."

They have NO idea what it means, obviously. What, now are we going to protest illegal immigration from Mexico by calling it "Operation Dirty Sanchez?" Hahahaha. Oh, that would be amazing.

And if you don't know what tea-bagging is, there is an article on Wikipedia about it...but if I were you, I would stay in blissful, blissful ignorance. :-P



http://www.vancouversun.com/News/Turnout+tepid+modern+parties/1500117/story.html

Via BB:

I am starting to get nervous about the opera tomorrow...not because I don't know my music or blocking...but because I have been having a lot of tension lately that has been hindering my technique. Jonathan's hint that I was fat right before we went onstage right before the dress rehearsal REALLY didn't help. I wanted to punch him.

Maybe I'll chant for an hour today to calm my nerves. I did have a crush on Jonathan for a bit...but now like I said...I wanna punch him. Maybe that is a blessing in disguise because now I won't be distracted when I perform and worry about how I look. I AM NOT GOING TO LET A BOY STOP ME FROM ENJOYING MYSELF FROM PERFORMING. FUCK HIM!!!!!!!!

There. Now I've gotten myself into gear...that felt good. I already feel my shoulders are relaxed and my chest is open. I am a good singer! I am one of the best in the school. And I WILL recall that ability. Chanting to follow...

Dear god...I knew I was stressed a lot and I carry lots of tension....but today I am in so much pain it is ridiculous. I honestly think it is because I'm worried I won't have my technique when I sing. Also I think I slouch and hold tension in my arms because it is my way of protecting myself. Though it does not protect me at all.....I have to keep convincing myself of that and I have to convince myself that I CAN sing because I've done it before. I CAN DO THIS DAMMIT! NO ONE AND NOTHING IS GOING TO STOP ME.

So...I'm pretty sure I'm high off of paint fumes from painting the opera set late tonight with the rest of the cast. It was actually quite a lot of fun. We sang ABBA while painting. I am not nearly as high as poor Dan was though. Jesus he was laughing like a little schoolgirl by the end of the night. It was rather contagious too...because when he started laughing, we all started laughing, and soon we wondered WHY we were laughing in the first place. But dear god it was awesome....hard work though. My back is killing me. Heh...what's new, right?

Soooo tired. I should go to sleep...but I'm hungry....at least I think I'm hungry. I don't know!!!! :( Eh, fuck it. I'm just gonna go to bed. Night.

C:>WAKEUP.EXE
GOOD MORNING!

THE SYSTEM HAS DETECTED A VIRUS.

DO YOU WISH TO INITIATE EXCESSIVE MUCUS PRODUCTION? (Y/N)...................? [N]
MUCUS PRODUCTION, 3000% COMPLETE
DO YOU WISH TO INITIATE HEADACHE? (Y/N)...............................? [FUCK NO]
HEADACHE, 100% COMPLETE.
APPLICATIONS MAY RUN SLOWLY DUE TO HAVING A SKULL STUFFED WITH COTTON AND NAILS.

C:\>FIRSTAID
C:\FIRSTAID>BENADRYL.EXE

ILLEGAL COMMAND: BENADRYL.EXE

C:\FIRSTAID>C:
C:\>SKOOL\
C:\SKOOL\>RUSSIA.PPT

WRITING POWERPOINT DOCUMENT, 100% COMPLETE
GIVING PRESENTATION, 100% COMPLETE
DRINKING TEA, 73% COMPLETE
ERROR: ELECTRIC KETTLE IS EMITTING COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF SMOKE. ABORT AND
UNPLUG?(Y/N)................................................................? [Y]
SAVING CLA FROM BEING SET ON FIRE, 100% COMPLETE

C:\SKOOL\>C:
C:\>FOODS\
C:\FOODS>NUKE.EXE
YOU NOW HAVE AN ANNOYING CRAVING FOR SOMETHING YOU ARE TOO TIRED TO MAKE, AND
ALSO NEED MOAR TEA.

C:\FOODS>NUKETEA.EXE
MICROWAVED TEA TASTES LIKE SHIT. ARE YOU SURE?(Y/N)................? [FUCK YOU,
LIKE I DIDN'T KNOW THAT ALREADY.]

SPECIFY TEA: EARL GREY, HOT.

ERROR: USER IS NOT A STARFLEET CAPTAIN
SPECIFY TEA: ENGLISH BREAKFAST

C:\FOODS>EATFOODS.EXE
ERROR: WAY TOO HOT!

C:\FOODS>EATFOODS.EXE
BUT I REALLY WANTED TORTELLINIS! CONTINUE?(Y/N)............................? [Y]
CONSUMING DINNER, 100% COMPLETE

C:\FOODS>DISHES.EXE
WASHING DISHES, 100% COMPLETE

C:\FOODS>FIXTEA.EXE
SUGAR? (0,1,2).............................................................? [3]
CREAM?(Y/N)................................................................? [Y]

C:\FOODS>DRINKTEA.EXE
I TOLD YOU IT WOULD TASTE LIKE SHIT.

C:\FOODS>C:
C:\>STFU.EXE
C:\>INTERNETS\
C:\INTERNETS\>MUSICPOST.EXE
ERROR: OUT OF TEA
ERROR: OUT OF TEA
ERROR: OUT OF TEA
ERROR: OUT OF TEEEEE938262QGYWXSIHBCBIDXQGANVZD83CSICC2N25729E0SASKLDFJSALSALFDB
SEKGQ3JHAWCSDQOGICAGIFDOZW4GEW91IGFCSICC2NYZSBPQGYWXSIHBCBIDXQGANVZDBIBCBG9VBWLU
DWXKIHN0YXJ0IHDVCMTPBMCGB24GCGXHBNMGZM9YIGCSICC2NEGCMV0AXJLBWVUDCBJBQGYWXSIHBCBI
IG9SZCB1BML2ZWVZLIBKDXNBGQGYWXSIH0IHROAW5RIG9MIHROZSBWB3NZACSICC2NWJPBGL0AWVZISA
ZGLNIHR1BM5LBHMGDW5KZXIGDGHLIGZVDBGQGYWXSIHW5KYXRPB24GYW5KIHJLLWVUCSICC2NYWN0IG9
B2QGBWLZY2HPZWYSIHN1CHBSESQGYWXSIHBCBIDXQGANVZDBKZWFKIHNCSICC2NRBGQGYWXSIHDW5RCY
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YWQGB2YGDGHLIHR5CGLJYWWGC2HVCHBPBMCGDHJPCCB0BYB0ACSICC2NGUGBWFSBGQGYWXSIHBCB3ZSB
IHNWZWVKIHJHY2VZIGLUIHNVDXBLZCB1CCBVBGQGY2FYCYBQGYWXSIHBCBIDXQGANVZD0BYBOYXNOCSI
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BGQGYWXSIHDMUGDGHLIGHVBM9YIGCSICC2N9MIGNSZWFUAW5NIG91DCB0AGUGC3RPBMTPBMCGDHVIYXM
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BMDYAS1SYT8GILROZSBHCMV5IED1AW5LYSBQAWDZBGQGYWXSIHIFJLDGCSICC2NQGYWXSIHBCBIDXQGA
AGUGRUFFTCAORWXKZXJSECSICC2NSBBZ2FPBNN0ICHVB3BZLCBBGQGYWXSIHJIG1LYW50IEFUDGKPIEV
TGVHZ3VLII4GDQOGICAGICSICC2NFDLJ2QGYMV0DGVYIHBSYW4GBM93LG0KIBGQGYWXSIQGYWXSIHBCB
CSICC2NZ2CSICC2NW0KIA0KIA0KIA0KIA0KDQOJLS0TLS1PCMLNAW5HBCBNZXNZYWDLLS0BGQGYWXSIH
CSICC2NBTOGRUNNTEFXQGFVBC5JB20GW21HAWX0BZPFQ01MQVDAYW9SLMNVBV0GDQOJU2VUDDOGVHVLI
MTCVMJAWMYA1OJU0IFBNIA0KCVRVCSICC2NOIBPBI1QGYWXSIHBCBIDXQGANVZDIBG9VBWLUZ3RVBI11
BGQGYWXSIHCUNJOIANCGLTDWJQZWN0OIBSZTOGAHVNACWCSICC2NGA3JVBMV5LCQGYWXSIHBCBIDXQGA
ZWN0CMLJIEDBGQGYWXSIHHCMFNZSBEB29YIE9WZW5LCNMNCGKNCGCSICC2NKNCG0KCVROYW5RIHLVDSW
CIB0AGF0IGNVBXBSZXRLIBGQGYWXSIHHJLCGX5LIBPBMUGB2YGDGHLIHJLYCSICC2NXNVBNMGZM9YIHD
C2QGYWXSIHBCBIDXQGANVZDTLZCB0AGUGCXVLC3RPB24GD2FZIHRBGQGYWXSIHOYXQGSSB0AG91Z2H0I
YXJSAWVYIGVTYWLSIGZYB20QGYWXSIHBCBIDXQGANVZDGEW91DQOJCMVMZXJPBBGQGYWXSIHMCGDG8GA
ZWFSIG9MIHRPBWUGB24GVGVSZWDYYXBOIEF2ZW51ZSBHQGYWXSIHBCBIDXQGANVZDBMQGB3RBGQGYWXS
A2VSZXKUIEKCSICC2NGD2VUDCB0BYBDYWWGYW5KIGXPDMUGBMVHCMJ5LIBJIHBGQGQGYWXSIHBCBIDXQ
DIGJLICJSB2NHBCWIDQCSICC2NOJYXMGD2UGC2F5LIBPZIBJB3VYC2UGEW91IGFYZSBSB2JLIGP1C3QG
DRCBPBIBHIGRPZMZLCMVUDNHBGQGYWXSIHBCBIDXQGCBSBCSICC2N2NHBGUUDQOJVGHLIEJLBGWGC2LZ


THE SYSTEM DOES NOT HAVE ENOUGH ENERGY TO CONTINUE OPERATIONS, AND WILL NOW SHUT
DOWN. PLEASE DO NOT ATTEMPT TO BOOT UNTIL MID-JULY. HAVE A NICE DAY.

Ok...so...the snow is gone...for now. It actually melted shortly after I wrote the entry bitching about it. Perhaps shaking my fist at the sky actually works. Maybe I should try that again when the situation requires it.

Tech week for the opera starts this week! Woooo! I have to be there at 6:30 to start fitting costumes because I was sick as a dog the week they did costumes, and then we do to runs of the show. This wouldn't be so bad...except it's the day I have a voice lesson too. Well, luckily I got 12 hours of sleep...so that should be good.

Well, I should get my day started. Gotta shower, and then read the exceedingly violent and dark Greek play "Bacchae." Later.

Jokes!

Why did Bach have so many children?
A. Because his organ had no STOPS!!!

How many choir directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. No one knows, because no one looks at their choir director!

So I'm a senior in college now and we are singing the Verdi Requiem in choir. During the rehearsal after spring break, we all sounded like shit because we were lazy/tired and throughout the rehearsal, my choir director was attempting to get us to wake up and actually sing.

The sopranos, already notorious for singing flat in our choir were singing flatter than ever...it was so bad that I had to stop singing in cringe. Apparently, the director thought the same because during the middle of conducting, he yelled, "YUCK!"

Now, I don't know why I thought it was so funny. "Yuck" isn't really that funny of a word. But for some reason, my brain decided, "Hey, I think right about now is a good time to give Kate a severe case of the giggles."

So I laughed....and laughed...and laughed. I could not stop laughing and I was to the point where I was howling with laughter...even after everyone had stopped singing and it was silent except for my now maniacal laughter. People stared at me and glared at me reproachfully. I have a lot of explaining to do to the director.....

What's even weirder, is that thinking about it still makes me laugh, though not as much. Am I just insane? Or is that really funny? >.

WHY the hell is it that whenever it snows, my heat breaks!? Why!!!???????? This has happened 3 times now this year! WTF!!!! And what the hell is snow doing on the ground in late March!? Damn you global warming!!!! Gah!! *shakes fist at sky*

Anyway, gonna go to Nicole's Senior Recital. She plays the bassoon very well. And she's going to play with me in a chamber piece for MY senior recital! Kind of wish I learned to play a double-reed instrument....but then if I learned to play a double-reed instrument, then I couldn't learn to sing...because they involve two different techniques that conflict with each other (i.e. double reeds tend to cause jaw tension, which is HORRIBLE for singing).

I've started losing weight again and it feels great! Portion control! Ever since my dad has been ill I've noticed I've been going to food for comfort....food and sex mostly. I know it's unhealthy and I'm trying to change things around to a healthier aspect. For all those who criticize, I'd like to see how you handle a father with pancreatic cancer and a mother who doesn't handle stress well to begin with regularly dissolve into tears and act like everything is hopeless, saying things like, "You're father is just lying there waiting to die. He's already half-dead!" Honestly, I worry about her more than my dad sometimes. She seems to be under the impression that she is going to be alone forever and her life is over if my dad dies of this. I tell her that I'll be there for her, and she refuses to listen, saying that she won't have me give up my life for her...and that's not the case at all...there will be no giving up of my life...just supporting her. But she refuses to listen. I've been chanting for her...sometimes I think it helps a little...but mostly it's that she's refusing to change herself. In a way, I've had to become the adult figure in this mother-daughter relationship.

Chanting has helped me IMMENSELY. I have changed so much...willing to acknowledge my faults, my emotions are much less volatile, and I am having fewer and fewer mood swings and more confidence in my abilities. I sometimes think I'm too hard on my mom because she sees dad every day and she's his primary care-taker. But I also think that she doesn't treat herself well enough...she needs to get out of the house every now and then and not constantly feel guilty like everything is all her fault. Once when dad ate some funny soup and it gave him diarrhea, she sobbed and said things like, "I'VE POISONED HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!" Well, now I guess I know where I get the constant feeling of guilt from. She doesn't understand why I am so calm. I told her, "You are used to always getting your way because people are always shit-scared of you. You got Shay and I a locker that was normally reserved for the tennis team in high school because I had a bad back and Shay had bad knees. And this is something that you have no control over...this is something that you want your way with, but it isn't necessarily going to go your way. That's why you are reacting so badly and so negatively. I, on the other hand, recognize the fact that this is mostly out of my control. I do all I can....help dad with comfort, chant for him, encourage him to keep fighting, and accompany him to chemo sessions. That's all I can do, and if things don't go my way, of course I'll be heartbroken and sad....but really, there's no sense in getting extremely negative over things with which you have minimal control." I don't know if this sounds heartless...I don't really care how it sounds, because that's how I feel and I'm tired of apologizing all the time.

Holy shit this has been a long entry! Much longer than I thought it would be! Wow! Anyway, I really should get going. I have soup on the stove and a recital to get to. I want to thank all of you who have supported me throughout this past year. I take hope for one, that dad has lived with this deadly disease for over a year now, which is unheard of in most cases. Pancreatic cancer is one of those illnesses for which doctors give you six months tops to live. And look at him. Sure, he's tired, but he's still fighting...and I for one, haven't given up on him yet.

Dialogue

(Sir Wilfrid is cross-examining Christine Helm.)
Sir Wilfrid: Mrs Vole. Or Mrs Helm; which do you prefer to be called?
Helm: It does not matter.
Sir Wilfrid: Does it not? In this country, we are inclined to take a rather more serious view of marriage. However, frau Helm, it would appear that when you first met the prisoner in Hamburg, you lied to him about your marital status?
Helm: I wanted to get out of Germany, so—
Sir Wilfrid: You lied, did you not? Just yes or no, please.
Helm: Yes.
Sir Wilfrid: Thank you. And subsequently, in arranging the marriage, you lied to the authorities?
Helm: I, um, did not tell the truth to the authorities.
Sir Wilfrid: You lied to them?
Helm: Yes.
Sir Wilfrid: And in the ceremony of marriage itself, when you swore to love and to honor and to cherish your husband, that, too, was a lie?
Helm: Yes.
Sir Wilfrid: And when the police questioned you about this wretched man who believed himself married and loved, you told them—
Helm: I told them what Leonard wanted me to say.
Sir Wilfrid: You told them that he was at home with you at 25 minutes past 9, and now you say that that was a lie? [beginning to chuckle now]
Helm: Yes, a lie!
Sir Wilfrid: And when you said that he had accidentally cut his wrist, again, you lied? [chuckling again]
Helm: Yes!
Sir Wilfrid: [chuckling further] And now today you've told us a new story entirely! [serious now] The question is, frau Helm, were you lying then, are you lying now, or are you not in fact a chronic and habitual LIAR?!

[edit]

I have TWITTER now! Don't know exactly what it's for, because I don't have any "contacts" because gmail is being retarded. But, my username is "i_am_siren." So....yeah!

This matches a lot of Buddhist philosophy I have studied.

"If a man is cruel by nature, cruel in action,
the mortal world will call down curses on his head
while he is alive, and all will mock his memory after death.
But then if a man is kind by nature, kind in action,
his guests will carry his fame across the earth
and people will praise him from the heart."

--Penelope, wife of Odysseus

(Via BB:)

I forgot how much I generally dislike going to Dr. Vayo hosted concerts...because usually they do this whole long thing of improvisation at the end. It is not that the artists are bad...usually there is only a section of improvisation like in this case. They actually had a few interesting instruments. Ugh...thank god it just ended. It wasn't as long as the last one I went to which ended up being 2 HOURS of improvisation. Dear god I thought I would die that time. But here is my point:



No one in their right mind likes to listen to improvisation for more than 2 or 3 minutes (perhaps jazz is an exception...though personally I still can't take a lot of that). It is only fun to the performers and maybe weird ass new music composers like you. But even I, a musician can't stand the scratchy crap you do to the inside of the piano and the stuff you encourange string instruments to do...seriously? It is like nails on a chalkboard...although you would probably see that as beautiful music based on what I have heard from your past compositions. Who knows? For all I know, maybe you will become a famous revolutionary like Beethoven. Even the emperor of Austria once criticized Mozart for having "too many notes" (although I can't understand why he wouldn't have thought that way about Bach or why Bach wasn't criticized for that...). Call me shallow, vapid, whatever you want. But I know what I like to listen to and I know what I like to see in concert...and it isn't the swill you call music or the crap you improvise!!!!!!


Whew...ok...rant over. I'm gonna go practice MUSIC now.

So I definitely just tried to put my coat on sideways...I'm so special.....

I could survive for 44 seconds chained to a bunk bed with a velociraptor


Well, at least my death would be pretty quick! :)

Amusement
Q: Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google search.
Kate needs a shave.
[I beg your pardon!?]

Q: Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search.
Kate looks like a cute project though! ;)
[Buhhh?]

Q: Type in "[your name] wants" in Google search.
Kate wants withnail dive.
[?????]

Q: Type in "[your name] says" in Google search.
Kate says booyah for Bali.
[Suuuuuure....]

Q: Type in "[your name] does" in Google search.
Kate does nothing day.
[Yay!]

Q: Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search.
Kate hates back-combing!
[Yes I do!]

Q: Type in "[your name] asks" in Google search.
Kate asks Jack what to tell everyone in Lost's season two finale.
[Don't even watch tv....]

Q: Type in "[your name] likes " in Google search.
Kate likes you.
[Hahaha depending on who you are.]

Q: Type in "[your name] eats " in Google search.
Kate eats mac-n-cheese shot from a different angle.
[Mmmmm....]

Q: Type in "[your name] wears " in Google search.
Kate wears a pump!
[Just one?]

Q: Type in "[your name] was arrested for" in Google Search.
Kate was arrested for poisoning her non-existant husband with arsenic.
[lmao! Then was there even a crime!?]

Q: Type in "[your name] loves" in Google Search
Kate loves Bar Pt's photostream page.
[Sure....why....not?]

So this is my third entry now.  Huh, I guess I'm writing in this more because it's new and the novelty hasn't worn off yet.  Ugh...my neck hurts.  I need to clean my room badly.  I wonder if any of the friends I used to talk to a lot on lj still have one?  Not that I care that much.  This is mostly for me because I have a lot of shit held in and I can't keep holding onto it.  It's bad for my health.  I'm nervous as hell about my singing technique for one thing.  I have all this unnecessary tension throughout my body and I have to spend a good part of my warm up not even singing---just calming myself down!  I mean I thought I had gotten rid of most of my stress.  I guess I need to chant more...and really put more of an effort into it.  Another thing that's odd is that I'm finding it harder and harder to get up in the morning.  Especially if I get a good night's sleep.  I feel soooooo sleepy and I snooze and next thing I know, wham, it's time to go to school....no time for lounging about getting ready slowly.  I'm just....different this semester.  I think i'ts for the better.  Gary's and my relationship just got way better.  I thought we were at odds for a while, but now we seem good.

It's just really frustrating thinking you've GOT technique and then when one day you go to sing...poof!  It's gone...not even NEAR what you've been doing that's good.  ARGH!